Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
