I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
