The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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