At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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