She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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