So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
