hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
