I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
