Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
