So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
