I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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