I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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