The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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