I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
