So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
