When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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