I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
