Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
