new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
