I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
