Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
