i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
