hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
