I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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