So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
