The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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