i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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