I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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