My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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