Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
