thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
