I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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