I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
