I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
