There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
