Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
