maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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