He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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