im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
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