I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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