if only i could text you this smell
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize