Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
