My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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