Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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