Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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