god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
