Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
