Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
