I think my fart just growled at me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
