I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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