I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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