hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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