ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
