Will you blow on my dice?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
