Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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