Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
